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Dedicated to Joshua and to all parents separated from their children...
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Joshua
Joshua, I am proud to have carried you and given birth to you.
I feel blessed that you came into my life,that we shared happy memories, we shared hugs and kisses, walks, I even got to hear you say 'mum'. Not a day goes by that my heart doesn't warm as I remember you,and I look at the pictures of you growing up. Sometimes at night when I can't sleep as my heart is aching ,my arms ache,I fly into the night and come into your room where you are soundly sleeping and I hold you as you sleep.
I just wished I'd have had chance to give you one last hug and kiss,a chance to have said 'goodbye', as hard as it would have been. The memory of you being driven away with your little pusscat teddy will always hurt so deep.
You are in my heart,my dreams and my prayers.xxxxxxxxx

Joshua Mark Leigh
6/01/93
6lbs 3oz
born in scarborough hospital
a very difficult/toxic labor but more than worth it......

My dear Joshua, there isn't a day that goes by that
I don't think about you, my heart aches ,
my arms ache to hold you, where are you now?
In my dreams I come to you, and I hold you as you sleep.
It feels so real, I found some lyrics that explain how I feel....


My heart will go on....

Everynight in my dreams,I see you,I feel you,
That is how I know you go on,
Far across the distance and spaces between us,
you have come to show you go on.

Near, far, wherever you are,I believe that the heart does go on,
Once, more, you open the door, and you're here in my heart and my heart will go on and on.
Love can touch us one time, and last for a lifetime,
and never let go til we're gone,
Love is when I loved you,one true time I hold to,
In my life we'll always go on.
you're here ,there's nothing I fear,
and I know my heart will go on.
JOSHUA MARK LEIGH TAYLOR



Joshua. 12 years ago you were removed from my life, these candles are lit in remembereance of you, a light that burns in my heart for you always.
Joshua's Story

From the time I had concieved Joshua at the young age of 15 years old,there was pressure at first by parents, social workers, doctors to have my baby aborted. It hadn't even entered my mind,I did think about it but came to the conclusion that this could be my only chance to have a baby,so was quick to say no. This made them all so very unhappy.
I went to live with an ex foster mum of mine, so that I wasn't alone during my pregnancy. I wasn't keen on the idea at the time, she was quite a snooty woman who always expected far too much from me in general! But my choices were not vast, so I moved in. I was told by the hospital that my baby would be born with downs syndrome and that the baby was a boy. I asked my foster mom not to tell anyone , as I knew what negative reactions people would have and believe me I wasn't far from the truth, but when joshua was born he was perfectly healthy!!
I moved out of my foster mums place to a bed and breakfast, she was making me do all her cleaning and going on about how much of a poor mother i was gonna be....
Joshua mark leigh was born on 6thfeb 1993,at 9pm,he weighed 6lbs. I had been induced, every drug they could think of was pumped into me, legs in stirrups, forceps delivery, hundreds of stitches, and they didnt even hand him to me!! I stepped out of bed, my legs were wobbling all over, I pulled his cot close to my bed,heaved myself back up onto the bed, it was then I held him. the most perfect little thing, absolutely beautiful. I dressed him. I then remember going to the toilet, apparantly it was there I passed out, I'd lost alott of blood.
I took Joshua home 3 days later, I was a bit upset that I had missed out on his first feed as I'd fainted,but was pleased to have him home and to myself. The landlady at the bed and breakfast also had made her judgement,no body wanted me to keep him it was so hard, I was too young, I'd had an abusive past, I didn't have a support network...all the more reason for the social services to offer me support right...apparantly not.
I begged my parents to put their faults aside, I asked, well begged that we pull together to give joshua a chance of a normal loving life..did no good. I had a boyfriend at the time, but he was away in the army, so as far as everyone was concerned I was alone and vulnerable, I did assessments, I went to a mother and baby unit for 8 months, and nothing absolutely nothing could make them satisfied, nothing was good enough, and then� my foster mum had come to take joshua for the easter weekend whilst me and my boyfriend, who was on leave for the weekend had some time together.
the following day a policeman and social worker came and told me I'd never be seeing joshua again, that I should accept it, I could go to college,and also I had plenty of time to have more children later on!!!
They offered me contact, but then said I wasn't allowed contact due to stress to the child.
I was suffering, he was suffering too.so young yet showing all signs of being depressed. Wouldn't eat, sleep' laugh, wouldn't go near any women , didn't trust them anymore. He became destructive.
I let him go. I decided if they wouldn't permit him love from me, I'd let him go somewhere he'll be loved, didn't want his life repeating the same pattern as mine. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I mean they would have adopted him out at some point, but he would have been older, harder to get a family, and too long for him to go without being loved. Childhood is so precious I think. He went to a couple who had been trying for a child for 15 years...15 years is a long time.
april,2005:




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